The Secret Feelings Before Adoption
I just finished wrapping Christmas presents for my soon-to-be son. As I sit here in the quietness of the night, with only the Christmas tree lights looking down at me, I feel a calm assurance. This little boy who we will welcome into our home in just a few weeks is not flesh of our flesh, but he is very much desired, anticipated, and an incredible answer to prayer.
I have wanted to write and share my heart with you for a while. I want to record exactly how I am feeling during the days leading up to our adoption. Yet every time I would sit down to write, the words wouldn’t flow. I didn’t understand. I enjoy writing, especially about my passion for adoption. But it wasn’t until tonight that I realized how fearful I am: fearful of the future, fearful of being judged, fearful of being transparent.
Although I have a peace about our adoption, I feel everything in my life has been an open book since beginning our pre-field ministry. My husband receives questionnaires, we are asked zillions of questions during our meetings, and there was this teeny tiny bit of my heart that just wanted to keep others out. Then it occurred to me this isn’t my story to keep, it is just as much your story. You have prayed. You have given. You have waited right along with us. Ultimately it is God’s story – a beautiful story of love. I am a small piece of God’s sovereign plan in this little baby’s life. If I can bless you by sharing my brokenness…my fears…my joys…I want to. In the grand scheme of this short life it is my desire to follow what John Wesley said, “Do all the good you can. By all the means you can. In all the ways you can. In all the places you can. At all the times you can. To all the people you can. As long as ever you can.” So as you read my heart in black and white, please be patient with me as I figure out my footing in this journey.
I feel completely vulnerable. I have little, if any, control of our future adoption placement. There are more unknowns than known answers. I am to be at the hospital to provide love and nurture to this baby with the understanding I will be waiting 6-8 weeks before I have the assurance he will be my forever son. I have held my arms open and upward reaching for God’s perfect plan…if I stay that way I know He will make all things beautiful. Yet I am scared. I don’t want my heart broken with disappointment, but that is the risk – a risk definitely worth taking. I’m learning to trust, wait, and rest in His plan.
Am I ready? I have the bags packed and bottles cleaned, but I’m not sure if I know how to completely ready emotionally. How do I prepare to meet my son? What will my reactions be? Will I ever be able to explain to him the miracle of his life? All the people involved. All the decisions that were made to bring him to me. The long days I waited to hold him. I don’t know if there is anything that would prepare me for such an anticipated moment! I still can’t believe that God chose me to be his mama out of all the women in the world – I get to be his mother. My heart is overflowing. More to come! – Anna